


Two Sides of the Same Coin Guard

by BabySpinach



Category: GreedFall (Video Game)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Mutual Pining, POV Alternating, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:01:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabySpinach/pseuds/BabySpinach
Summary: A closer examination of the friendship and romance between Julia de Sardet and Kurt.A sequential series of vignettes with lots of mutual pining and a lot of slow burn goodness.****Updating again :)*****
Relationships: Kurt/De Sardet (GreedFall)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started playing GreedFall at the recommendation of a student and I absolutely adore it. Of course, I loved Kurt from the first part of the game because I am a firm believer in the inherent eroticism of the bodyguard trope. This is mostly a series of vignettes I wrote while playing through the game so there isn’t a whole lot of narrative continuation. I also added some backstory for my de Sardet.
> 
> Content Warning: If you know Kurt’s backstory then you know what the abuse tag is for, I don’t go into any more detail than the game does I promise, E rated because there WILL be lots of sex in the back half I promise, also I didn’t have a beta because I’m just tying to live my truth in the quar

If Kurt was being honest with himself, he’d seen Julia de Sardet in a different light than her cousin for some time before Teer Fradee. The “fledgling noble” thing had really just been an overcompensation to make it very clear to anyone within earshot that he was not favoring the older cousin. It also playfully frustrated her to no end which worked for him. 

He’d felt a fundamental change in their relationship 19 year old Julia was shipped off the court of another prince to finish her magic training and refine her manners. She was upset about the whole situation and voiced her displeasure to anyone who would listen. 

“Who's going to look after Constantin when I’m gone?” she demanded hotly as Kurt adjusted her stance. 

“You’re turning your feet in again, Green Blood, I could knock you right over.” He tapped her foot with his. 

“You’re not even listening to me! No one listens to me!”

Kurt sighed and looked at his young charge. She was a woman at this point but she still wore her honey red hair in pigtail braids and dressed in the shapeless tunics and gowns young people wore. “I’m not getting in between you and your royal mother, My Lady.”

She dropped her stance, folding her arms and glaring at him. “So you do have an opinion.”

“You never make this easy on me do you? Just let me do what I’m paid to.”

She shook her head. “Nope, not until you tell me what you think. We can sit here all day. If you tell me, I promise I’ll keep it a secret.”

Kurt narrowed his eyes. She was so stubborn and she had a way of talking people into doing what she wanted. With a little time and maturity, that would be a great asset. “Fine.”

“Yes!” She cried, pumping a fist in the air. 

“Calm down, I am not about to say what you want me to.”

She froze, her hazel eyes trained on him. For a moment he saw a flash of calculation. Then she nodded. “That’s alright. I trust you to be real with me in a way the others at court aren’t.”

He had to look away at that. It was these rare moments of wisdom and maturity that always caught him off guard, like the girlish clothes and attitude were all hiding something else. “I don’t think I’m worthy of those words, but I approve of you going away. I think you need to spend some time discovering who you are outside of managing your cousin. Besides, I’ll look after him while you’re gone. I’ll have extra energy only chasing after one of you.” 

She let out a groan and rolled her eyes. “You’re right. That makes so much sense. You’re the worst, Kurt.”

“I thought you said you’d listen.”

“I am listening, but I never said I wouldn’t whine about it.”

Kurt smiled. “You’re a menace. Try to refrain from embarrassing us.”

She laughed and slid back into her fighting stance. 

Julia was gone for a year and a half. She was supposed to only stay gone for a year. Kurt tried not to worry, she was a big girl and his contract didn’t apply to her while he was away. It didn’t work as well as he would hope. He was getting sentimental after all this time. He thought that part of him had died a long time ago.

Constantin was miserable without her, mainly because she was his only friend. Kurt was not as accommodating or forgiving without having Julia around to tag team managing him. He missed her more diplomatic touch. The royal family were also keeping Julia’s whereabouts away from Constinin so Kurt knew he would not get any information. 

All the princess would say to her nephew was, “Julia will be alright, she is doing her duty like we expected her to.”

That worried Kurt more than anything. He knew what duty meant and he’d secretly hoped Constinin and Julia would have a few more years of innocence before they had to learn that lesson. He also felt a pang of guilt that he wasn’t there to help her with whatever was so serious no one would talk about it. 

One morning, he rose at his normal time of too early and went as always to the training ground. Someone had beat him there and was working on one of the training dummies. For a moment he thought it was Constintin as they were wearing noble attire. This stranger did not move like Constantin though. They looked seasoned and there was an efficient brutality to their movements that he recognized in himself. As the sun peeked over the stranger's light hair caught and blazed strawberry blonde. 

Kurt swore under his breath. “Green Blood?”

She whipped around, hammer still gripped firmly in her hand and the look she gave him was chilling. He almost took a step back but she cried out with joy and ran towards him, that cold look fading away. “Well if it isn’t my favorite Coin Guard!”

She dropped her hammer and boldly embraced him. She was a bit taller than him, something he’d somehow never noticed. Kurt froze before gingerly patting her on the back. Her embrace was so strong, he didn’t remember her being this muscular. 

“I thought you were supposed to learn noble manners,” he mumbled.

She released him and stepped back. “I did, I’m a proper  _ Lady  _ now, but last time I checked, you weren’t a noble.”

He regarded her and his mind stuck on  _ proper lady _ to his annoyance. She had, well, matured. She was wearing a well tailored jacket, waistcoat, and trousers that did nothing to conceal her strong body and curves. Her hair was short and tucked behind her ears in a business-like fashion that complimented her round face and gentle features

The most jarring change was in the way she carried herself. Before, she had seemed small and slumped into her frame to seem smaller. Now she stood with her shoulders pulled back and at her full height. She also was subtly standing with her feet at hip distance, one slightly ahead of the other. She’d gone to a fighter's stance without thinking. 

Kurt felt three things all at once, the first was pride that she’d obviously become more seasoned, the second was sadness that she had so clearly aged due to combat, something that he was all too familiar with, and the third was a slight lurch in his gut that it took him a moment to identify as  _ attraction _ . 

He coughed, covering whatever sound he would have made at the realization that Julia de Sardet had suddenly become his type. “You’re late, your cousin is almost unmanageable with grief. Care to explain?”

She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I don’t kiss and tell, Kurt.”

Shit. Whatever it was, it must have been bad. It was best not to push the issue. “Whatever you say, My Lady.” 

Julia wagged a finger at him. “That would be  _ Madame  _ while we’re at court.”

“I’ll tell you what, Green Blood, I might consider calling you that if you can show me that you learned something useful on your little adventure instead of noble bullshit and how to dress your age.”

Her eyes widened and her bow shaped lips parted slightly. “Dress my age?” Her hands flared with magical energy and she took two steps away. “You're going to regret that.”

He drew his sword. “That’s what I’m counting on.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter takes place two months before the start of the game.

Julia waited in the training yard, sipping her tea gingerly. Kurt arrived with the first rays of the sun like clockwork. Their unofficial early morning training appointment had been going on for the past few years, but he always looked a bit surprised to see her. 

“Morning, Green Blood. Did you even sleep last night? I know you came home after midnight.”

Julia winked at him and gestured to the seat next to her. “Hurry, your tea and breakfast is getting cold.”

Kurt eyed her suspiciously, but sat and uncovered the platter to reveal the eggs, sausage and sweet rolls. “Alright, what do you want?”

Julia feigned hurt. “What, I can’t do something nice for my favorite Coin Guard?”

He laughed. “I would say I appreciate your methods. Most people order me around without the hot breakfast. How did you get the kitchen staff to feed you this early anyway? They usually chase me off.”

“As you said, you catch more flies with honey than with orders.”

He looked like he wanted to retort, but he took a healthy bite of sausage which silenced his snark for once. Julia rested her chin on her hand and watched him enjoy himself. This was one of her guiltiest pleasures. He was usually more cranky and drawn than any thirty-five year old had the right. When she treated him to something he liked, he would relax and smile which would wash away a little of the hard shell he kept up. 

She loved these mornings when it was just the two of them, even if they amounted to the two of them pointedly deflecting any personal questions and filling the silence with procedure and tactics. 

He swallowed. “Stop looking at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“You look like you’re going to eat me.”

“I think you’d be too gamy for my taste.”

“You think you’re so funny.”

“I have the best sense of humor at court.”

He shook his head and took another bite of food. He ate too quickly, she assumed that was what happened when you were raised in the guard and meal time was more for fuel than conversation.

Julia poured him some tea. “So, I was wondering if you would want to accompany me on my rounds today.” 

He drank gratefully. “Are you expecting trouble?”

“No, not as such, perhaps I just enjoy your company.” 

He looked away and she could have been imagining it, but she swore she saw his ears turn a little pink. “I don’t see why you would, but it’s rare that you actually let me do my job and protect you these days so I don’t see how I could refuse.” 

Julia frowned at him. He was always like this, she didn’t see why he couldn’t just let go of that foolish notion that he was responsible for her. She had proven many times that she could handle herself. It was almost like he was using that as a wall between them. She sighed and let it go. 

“Fantastic, I’m sure you’ll be very thrilled to stand behind me and watch me talk nobles to death.”

Julia had been unofficially installed as the Prince’s fixer since they’d officially deemed her an adult at twenty-one. This responsibility mainly required her to smooth over problems caused by everyone around her. Today she smoothed over a dispute between a pigheaded merchant and the Bridge Alliance ambassador, bullied a lord into legitimizing his love child, got down on her hands and knees to help repair a stall a group of her rowdy peers had smashed through (Kurt was helpful with this task), and discreetly settled accounts with a certain actor who had compromising letters from her married second cousin. 

It was afternoon by the time she got the chance to breathe. 

On a whim, she stepped into a hatter’s shop almost losing Kurt in the crowd. He burst through the door a few minutes later looking peeved. “ _Madame_ de Sardet, may I respectfully remind you that your mother will have my head if anything happens to you.”

The shop was small and the keeper was currently in the back after she’d paid up, leaving them alone. She turned to him and stepped closer. In the small shop they were so close that she could hint of blue in his piercing grey eyes. She felt something warm in her chest. It had been so long since she’d felt anything strongly that she almost laughed. She covered her sudden discomfort by smiling wickedly and snatching the hat off of Kurt’s head, swapping it with the more fashionable one she had in her hand. 

“If you’re going to act like my gallant rescuer, you need to look the part.”

He grabbed at his old hat but she leapt away having learned long ago that she was more agile. “My Lady, must you menace me like this while I’m working?”

She set his old hat on the counter. “Shush.” She spun him to face the mirror and rested her head on his shoulder. “See, it looks better with your face shape.” 

He looked at himself and then his eyes flicked to her face and back. There was a brief flash of an expression on his face that looked like disgust to her. She hoped that he wasn’t comparing her smooth, mostly unblemished face to his intricate patchwork of scars. The thought of that made her chest ache even more. She wondered if he truly didn't know how handsome he was. The other young people at court were prone to harassing her to share one of his lessons. She agreed sometimes, but usually just for the satisfaction she got when Kurt paid more attention to her.

Kurt shrugged, not so stubbly dislodging her chin from his shoulder. “I suppose it is better. I have no sense of style, so, I wouldn’t know.”

Julia smilled. “So you like it?”

“That’s not what I said.”

“You watched me read and manipulate people all day and you still want to play this game with me? Awfully bold of you, Captain.”

He sighed and ran a hand down his face. “This is fun and all but let's go before the owner notices me soiling the merchandise.” 

Julia swapped her hat with his old one and looked at him as innocently as she could manage. “What merchandise? We both are walking out with goods that were obtained legally with good coin.” 

His eyes narrowed. “You didn’t.”

“I did.”

“If your lady mother found out you were spending royal money on presents for me-”

“Last time I checked, Mother was sick and I was holding the De Sardet purse strings.”

That stopped him cold. It was a low blow, invoking her sick mother, and she knew it was silly to play that card on buying him a hat. But she couldn’t help herself. It felt so good to watch the man who seemed to build his identity around austerity and self loathing receive something he wanted. 

He shook his head. “I don’t know what to say.”

She brushed past him and pushed the door open. “You don’t have to say anything. Let’s go, it’s almost supper time.”

“Thank you, My Lady,” he said quietly.

Julia smiled thinly at him, tamping down the turn her stomach made when he spoke to her in that quiet, intimate voice. Making a pass at her bodyguard who'd known her since she was a teenager was pretty high on the list of activities that would make things very complicated, very quickly.

They hadn't made it a block before an out of breath guard came running up to them. "My Lady, Captain, we have a problem." She looked up at Kurt nervously. "Is that a new hat, Sir? It looks good.” 

"Come on, out with your report," he said, exasperated. Julia winked at the young woman from behind Kurt.

"Right, it's Constantin, he slipped his detail and we can't find him."

Shit. All of Julia's good humor evaporated immediately. He was either in serious danger or acting childish there was no in between. "Taverns," she said flatly and took off at a run. 

Thankfully, she knew her cousin and his poor decisions. He was in the first one they checked, sitting in the back gambling with some of the shadiest elements she'd seen. He was drunk and was arguing with the biggest man at the table. 

She looked at Kurt and gave her an almost imperceptible shake of the head. She sighed and walked forward, clapping loudly. “Alright, I think we had our fun here, but it’s time to go home now dear cousin.” Instantly all eyes were on her. “I can surely settle any accounts my cousin has so generously offered to pay.”

Constantin looked at her with a light in his eyes she did not like. “Ah, my backup has arrived!”

She moved towards him and Kurt started shuffling other patrons out of the way. "Very funny, it's time to go, how much do I owe them?"

Constantin swayed dangerously. "No, no, they have to pay me! They're all cheaters and they threatened me. Me! Kurt, make them pay up."

Constantin's companions started that slow uncomfortable movement of people grabbing concealed weapons. Julia's heart began to race and her eyes flicked to all possible exits. 

"Your Highness?" Kurt said, coming up next to them. His face had taken on that blank quality he got around most nobles that weren't her. 

"Kurt, please tell my cousin we will not be inciting any violence upon these citizens."

Kurt didn't look her in the eye. "It's whatever His Highness wishes." 

Julia tasted bile she always forgot this part that at the end of the day it didn't matter how much she tried with Kurt, Constantin would always take priority. She knew that but she didn’t know why it _bothered_ her so much.

Her ears rang and she was distracted long enough for Constantin to start yelling profanities. Too slowly did she see the man with the knife lunging at her. She got her hand up in time to catch it, wincing as the blade cut through her glove, then skin and continued sliding into her collar bone. 

Constantin and Kurt were both saying something, making things worse. Julia looked at the man currently stabbing her. His eyes were wide as if he’d realized his mistake. She reached for her magic. 

Paralysis was perhaps the handiest spell she’d ever learned. She froze the man and pushed him trying to stifle the little cry she made as the blade was ripped out of her again. She reached out and froze Constantin and the big man lunging at him as well. 

"Stop it!" She yelled. 

Next to Constantin, Kurt stopped, sword raised. The entire tavern stopped and looked at her. Well, time to try diplomacy. "I don't think I introduced myself. I am Madame de Sardet, niece of Prince d'Orsay. I am His Majesty's fixer. All of you know what it means when I arrive. I hope you know that I do not need weapons or magic to ruin lives and I will not hesitate." 

The three she'd petrified unfroze. Kurt grabbed Constantin to keep him upright. The other two backed away from her. Good. 

"Thank you. Now this is what is going to happen." Julia used her non bleeding hand to fish her coin purse from her pocket. "I am going to compensate you for your troubles and my cousin, the good Captain, and I will be on our way. Do not test my good will. Understood?"

She glared at the gamblers and tossed her coin purse on the table. The thud was the only sound in the establishment. She turned towards the door, not trusting her anger to stay in check if she looked at Constantin and Kurt. "Let's go." 

The evening air stung her wounds. She walked briskly ahead of the others, cutting into an alley, hoping to shorten their journey. Constantin jogged to catch up with her. “That was amazing! You’re extraordinary as ever, so calm, so collected. It’s a shame about the money, though.”

That was the last straw. Perhaps she’d have been able to keep her head if she wasn’t already off balance from the too-close moment with Kurt earlier. Constantin also might have just finally gotten on her last nerve. Whatever the reason, Julia turned on him, grabbing his collar and shoving him bodily against the wall. 

“Green Blood!” Kurt exclaimed. Julia didn’t look at him, she glared into Constanin’s face letting him see her rage. His eyes widened in fear. Kurt didn’t move to pull her off of him.

“What was your plan should they not have listened to me? Kill them all with your bare hands? Let me and Kurt do it for you?”

“I-”

Julia pressed into him harder, the blood from her hand and neck soaking the front of his shirt. “Do you have what it takes to look someone in the eyes when they die? I don’t think you do. In two months, you will be a Governor. You will be in charge of just more than me and Kurt. People will live or die by your orders. You need to realize that none of us _like_ killing. We do it because sometimes we have to. If you keep trying to use us like a blunt tool, things will get very bad for you, very quickly. You need to grow up and realize that.” 

Constantin looked at her blearily, he was too drunk for this to really sink in. Julia felt shame, love, and anger all fighting for her attention. She let him go, he slumped down the wall, still awestruck. 

“If you wouldn’t mind taking him home and putting him to bed, Kurt.” She still couldn’t look at him. 

She felt Kurt approaching her, felt his hand graze her shoulder as she pulled away. “You’re wounded, My Lady, let me help you.”

She started down the alley again. “Constantin is your priority, do your job, Captain.”

Julia didn’t stop to see if he registered the venom in her voice. It was petty, she knew it was. No amount of morning training or bonding outings was going to fill the Constantin shaped void between them. It was stupid and immature to think the Master at Arms would somehow disregard pecking order help her. That didn’t stop it from hurting.

He caught up to her again. “Julia, stop.”

That made her pay attention to him. That was honestly the second time she’d ever heard him use her first name, the first being when she was 17 and “fell” off of a roof to her presumed death. She’d had to run laps till dark for that stunt.

She turned to him slowly, there was concern in his face. It made her hate herself more for being angry with him for just following his orders. This was all so stupid, it had to stop and the only way to do that was reasserting boundaries. 

“A shockingly familiar way to address me, Captain.”

He looked at her, saw she wasn’t joking and there was a hint of hurt, perhaps, before his expression locked back into his normal hard blankness. “Apologies Lady de Sardet. Please at least let me see to your wounds.”

She was bleeding quite a bit. She sighed and reluctantly removed the blood stained scarf and loosened her collar. If he was shocked to see the deep pink scar ringing her neck, he didn’t show it. Julia had hoped that no one other than her tailor and the gentlemen who sometimes entertained her at night would ever see that particular mark of shame. He stripped his gloves off and poured his flask onto a clean rag and pressed it to her wound. It stung like hell and she sucked air in through her teeth. 

“Put pressure on it,” he ordered. She obliged and he moved onto her hand. His ungloved touch was so gentle for someone who wielded such a large blade. His hands were rough and calloused and just as scared as his face. She had a brief, fleeting thought about how those hands would feel gently touching her bare breasts, thighs, and ass before she could stop herself. The pain must be making her loopy. 

“You know what my orders are Green Blood,” he said softly to her, Constantin was still on the ground down the alley but it was clear Kurt’s words were just for her. “I have a duty, I can’t take your side whenever you want me too.”

“Stop lecturing me like a child.”

“I’m not.” 

He finished wrapping her hand and she yanked it away. “You’re right. I have a duty too, to keep that man alive and on the right path. I think we crossed a line somewhere, Captain. Right now I see you fussing over me instead of protecting His Highness. I am not your priority, I am the spare.”

He stared at her and folded, cold grey eyes not betraying anything. “I couldn’t agree more, My Lady,” he said stonily and turned to retrieve Constantin.

Julia decided to start sleeping in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: This chapter has an extended hat shopping scene because that’s the best part of the game. Also I kinda wanted to explore why Kurt and de Sardet are kinda cold to each other at the beginning of the game so I had them fight a little bit :).


	3. Chapter 3

Julia collapsed on the deck, holding her hands up in defeat just as she had two weeks before in the courtyard. Kurt smiled and rolled his shoulders back, the damp ocean air was aggravating his right shoulder as it did sometimes. He didn’t feel as old as he complained about, but a lifetime of wielding a sword had done a number on his body. 

“Feel bad about avoiding training with me yet?” He asked, pulling her to her feet. 

She rolled her eyes and reached for her canteen. “Can you blame me for wanting a bit of a break from your sunny personality before we were stuck on a ship together for three months?”

Julia took a long drink like she was enjoying it with her whole body, almost obscenely so. Would she be so expressive under his touch? He looked away quickly, feeling heat creeping up the back of his neck. He supposed she allowed herself to behave that way around him as he wasn’t a stuffy courtier, but it was playing havoc with his feelings in the close proximity of the boat. 

Kurt busied himself with his own canteen while Julia casually talked with Vasco who had a tendency to linger whenever they were training on the deck. He was trying to like the sailor, but it was difficult to be nice to someone who held his two charges’ lives in his hands in a way Kurt could never understand.

Kurt gathered his belongings and his hand brushed over the parcel and the dagger. He’d almost forgotten what day it was in the rush and noise that was morning on a Naut ship. 

“Green Blood,” he called and motioned her over. He pushed the parcel into her hands. “Happy birthday. Your cousin was having a fit about what to get you so I volunteered my services.”

“Kurt! In the excitement I’d forgotten what day it was.” She tore into the package and he felt a smile pull at the corners of his mouth at the joy on her soft features. 

"The Old Goat and I actually agreed on this one." 

She held up the copy of  _ The Explorer’s Guide to Teer Fradee  _ and smiled. “It’s perfect!”

“We thought it would help you muster up some excitement about your new role. We noticed you were less than happy about leaving.”

She looked at him sharply, her lips pursing. It was one of those piercing stares she gave when she wanted someone to know she’d seen right through them. “Careful Kurt, I might start thinking you actually care about me. Besides, I have always been the cooler head in this family. Someone has to have a healthy sense of skepticism. My dear cousin thinks the Island will solve all of his problems.”

“I’ll admit, it’s hard not to see anything that gets us off the continent as a net gain at this point.”

Julia wrinkled her nose. “Fresh air is nice, but my adventure when I was his age was not the romantic affair he has in mind and I’m afraid it will be a harder fall for him than it was for me.”

She was staring past him at nothing. Kurt was taken aback. She had not once mentioned the year and a half she spent away in the intervening time. He didn’t press her but, waited patiently. She had the look of someone who’d been through it, he knew he got this way sometimes. He couldn’t decide whether he wanted her to tell him more or not. That kind of trust implied a level of intimacy and he did not feel like spilling his guts to her just yet. 

She smacked the book on her palm and came back to the present. “Anyway, thank you again, it means a lot that the three of you remembered my birthday amidst all this.”

“There’s something else,” he said, suddenly feeling nervous. Was this overstepping? He held the dagger out to her. “This is from me. It’s not fancy, but they don’t make them like this anymore and I want you to have it. It’s solid and I trust it to keep you safe because it kept me safe.”

Her eyes widened and her pretty pink lips did too. She took it from him and drew it reverently, testing its weight in her hand and examining its make. “I’m genuinely at a loss for words, thank you, Kurt.”

“You like it?”

She looked up at him, coking her head. “Of course I do, you big idiot. Come here.”

Julia lunged at him before he could react and embraced him. To his surprise he felt himself hold her back. She was strong, but far leaner than he was and he had the absurd though that he could pick her up and swing her around easily. Her embrace was gentle and warm and he had the traitorous through that he would very much like for her to hold him more often. 

Kurt gently disengaged, embarrassed at how much he’d liked something that she did like it was nothing. She couldn’t know how little of that he’d gotten in his life because he’d never admit it. He cleared his throat and saw Vasco watching them over Julia’s shoulder, grinning. The man winked at him and wandered away. 

“Kurt?”

“Yes?” He was still a bit flushed and unsteady he knew and the word came out more gruffly than usual because of it. 

“I’m sorry.”

He looked back at Julia, her eyes were downcast and she looked downright sheepish which was shocking given her usual bravado. “What? Why?”

“You were right, I was avoiding you,” she said softly. “I was angry with you for always letting Constantin get his way. It wasn’t fair of me to put you in that position.”

He folded his arms. “It’s fine, I understand. I don’t envy your situation, you’ve been his only friend and the only one he really listens to since he was born.” 

Her hazel eyes shot up and met his. “You pay more attention than you’d like us to think, don’t you?”

He shrugged, uncomfortable under the intense glare she usually only used on people she wanted to give her something. “I’ve known you two for a long time. Everyone knows that you two are thick as thieves, but I’m one of the only ones privy to how much work you put into letting him live as carefree as possible.”

“Well, that’s all about to change. I won’t be able to look after him all the time with my duties as Legate. I hope he allows you to assist me, I can’t think of a bigger waste of your talents than standing by his side all day listening to bureaucracy happen.”

“And standing around listening to you charm and bully people is better?”

“Absolutely, and you know it.”

They were smiling at each other and he felt the last of the odd tension that hung in the air since she’d yelled at Constantin in that alley lift. “You’re right, you can’t charm your way out of everything Green Blood. I’m there for the rest.”

“And I was hoping we could use the opportunity to start over. I’ve known you for so long but I know almost nothing about you. Maybe we could try something other than teacher and favorite student.”

“Oh you think you’re my favorite?”

She held up the dagger and smiled a tricky, playful smile that he definitely liked in a way other than a proud teacher. “I  _ know  _ I’m your favorite. Come on, let’s be  _ friends _ , Kurt, comrades in arms, two peas in a pod.”

He chuckled despite himself. “Baby steps, Green Blood. You’re not going to get my secrets out of me that easily.”

“But you’d like that, for us to spend more time together?”

If she only knew. “Yes, I think I would.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read on the Wiki that de Sardet turned 25 during the voyage which inspired this chapter. Also bisexual king Vasco appears to watch two hotties work out.


	4. Chapter 4

"So, de Sardet, did you and your captain ever have any, you know,  _ private _ sparing lessons?" Vasco asked Julia as they waited for Kurt and Siora to return from scouting ahead. 

Julia watched him out of the corner of her eye. "Why do you ask?"

Vasco shrugged. "I've been around you two for a bit now. Weird tension between you. Also, every time you touch me he gives me this look."

Julia frowned. She'd noticed a change in how Kurt regarded her since poor Rainer's death. She’d been more than happy to help him with that matter and while it hadn’t been enjoyable at all, it had changed something. He was much more open with her now and she had to routinely stop herself from being  _ too  _ eager to spend time with this new side of him. 

But that wasn’t the question at hand. She rolled her eyes. "No, Vasco, I do not have carnal knowledge of my Master of Arms."

He scoffed. "Gross way of putting that."

"Maybe you'll take that as a sign to stay out of my love life," she said playfully.

Vasco held his hands up in surrender. "That's fair. But Kurt, does he prefer… Naut captains or Congregation diplomats?"

"I've only ever known him to court women. Why are you interested?"

"Perhaps. He's prickly, that one, but interesting," Vasco trailed off. "Now hold on, I don't see him sharing his conquests with even you."

Julia gave him her most wicked grin. "I make sure to have a good understanding of the lives of those close to me, even if that means using discreet tactics. Nothing too close but if you decide to start seeing someone, I'll probably know about it."

"De Sardet, you are a good friend to have, but sometimes you scare the piss out of me," Vasco said, laughing a little.

Julia had always been careful to leave as much privacy to her friends as possible. However, after what happened all those years ago while she was away from Serene, with Sebastian. Well, she wouldn't let anyone she cared about make the same mistake she had.

"But, you've thought about it right?" Vasco asked, snapping her out of her reflection. "I mean… have you seen him in the training yard when he strips down to his tunic."

Julia felt the blush rising. She had lied, blackmailed, charmed, bribed, negotiated, and faced death many many times. All of that skill and poise deserted her when Vasco brought that image into her head. Kurt, pouring his cantine over his head after training, his shirt sticking to the curves of his generously muscled arms, his head tilted back in the ecstasy of relief from the heat. Of course she’d noticed, quite frankly trapped on that damn boat together, she’d devoted a lot of time and brain power to not noticing. 

Vasco narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you blushing?”

“No!”

He started laughing and Julia reached over and knocked his tricorn off his head, which was a childish move all things considered, but she was feeling petty. Vasco went for her hat in revenge, but Julia’s superior height allowed her to dodge and he crashed into the dirt while Julia laughed. 

“And I thought I could leave you two very important adults alone without a babysitter.” Kurt said, emerging out of the bush with Siora. 

“Relax Captain,” Vasco said, dusting off his hat. “Julia needs one friend out here who knows how to have fun.”

Kurt sighed and Siora hid a chuckle behind her hand. Julia shook her head, trying to banish the last of her flush from her face. 

“Well, did you spy any unsavory ambushes?” She asked, hastily diverting Kurt from burning a hole in Vasco with his glare. 

Siora shrugged. “The valley ahead looks quiet, but it is hard to tell with the creatures here.”

“I don’t like it. Is this the only route to these oh so important ruins?” Kurt asked, he was looking at her and she saw apprehension, maybe even worry, creep onto his normally hard face. 

She offered him a reassuring smile, noticing how much she liked it when he looked a bit vulnerable. “We’ll be fine, Kurt. How dangerous can one valley be?”

Very dangerous, it turned out. 

Julia’s mind and body vibrated with her magic. The vicious dog looking things stood as high as her chest and had teeth the size of daggers. She stayed behind her companions in battle where she could watch the battle field, strategically paralyze enemies, and keep track of who needed healing. 

The creatures were smarter and far more stubborn than the wolves on the continent. She shouldn’t have been surprised when one jumped out of the bushes behind her, clearly determining her to be the weakest in her pack. Julia paralyzed it and drew her hammer. She didn’t like close combat, but she wasn’t about to distract one of her companions from their own struggles. 

She dispatched the beast with the help of her shield and some fancy footwork, and turned back to her companions. The fight was over as she watched Siora’s flaming sword slash through the flank of the last beast. A sigh of relief passed through her lips as she saw all of her companions up and moving. 

Then she noticed the blood seeping from under Kurt’s doublet. She went cold, she hadn’t seen him get injured which meant it happened when she was distracted. She ran over to him. “Kurt! You’re bleeding.”

He held his side and grimaced. “Using your amazing powers of observation?”

“Quiet,” she said, reaching out for the divine magic. Her vision blurred, the tell tale sign that if she tried to tap that magic, they’d have to worry about what to carry her home. 

“Don’t push yourself, My Lady,” Kurt said, breathing heavily. 

That was just like him, worried about her when he was bleeding out. “We’ll have to do this the old fashion way until I recover. Come on, strip.”

“I’m really fine,” Kurt said, trying to stand.

Siora and Julia reached out at the same time, forcing him down. Julia smiled at her friend who gave her a knowing look over Kurt’s head as she spoke. “Kurt, how long have you been a soldier? You could get blood poisoning, or worse.”

“Fine, you’re right,” he said and started to remove his doublet.

Julia had never seen Kurt shirtless. This was not the time to ogle, obviously, but her eyes were drawn to his back immediately. He was covered with scars, but that was to be expected given the rest of him. But the scars on his back drew her attention. They were clearly from a whip, deliberately made, but faded as if they were very, very old. Someone had taken an implement of  _ torture _ and did this to him. 

Rage and pain that wasn’t her own washed over her. Was it not enough that he hadn’t known the love of a parent and had lost so many of his very few friends? She knew the world was unfair but this seemed intensely cruel. 

“Julia, you have the healing kit,” Siora said,giving her a curious look. 

“Oh, yes,” Julia said and handed Siora the supplies. 

Between the two of them, they managed to clean and dress the long, thin slashes down his side. He yanked his undershirt back on almost immediately, and fell into an awkward silence as they continued towards the ruins. 

Julia squinted at a fresco, trying to decide if it was important. She turned to her notes again, trying to describe what she saw. It wasn't her best work, Kurt's scars kept popping into her mind as she tried to think. It made her sick to her stomach to imagine him enduring that. It also brought out the same feeling she had when Constantin would come to her room crying when he was a boy because his father had been cruel or one of his tutors had hit him, an intense, protective, affection. Julia bit her lip, realizing that her feelings for Kurt might be more than a crush.

“It’s getting late, we may need to camp here,” Kurt said, behind her. 

She turned and realized that Vasco and Siora were nowhere in sight. They were alone. “That’s for the best, I’ll be able to heal you after a meal and a lie down, I think.”

He nodded and turned to go. “I’ll go scout a spot.”

Julia grabbed his forearm before he could leave. He looked up at her, she only had an inch or two on him, but this close she could really see it. She tugged him towards her and his eyes widened, muscles tensing under her hand. He didn’t do well with touch and she regretted grabbing him so suddenly. 

“Kurt, the scars on your back, those weren’t from a fight,” she said softly, leaning close to his ear. “What happened?"

His eyes closed and his jaw clenched for a moment before he sighed. “I can’t, not here and now.”

“Alright,” she said gently and released him, taking a step back. “If you ever need to-”

“I know.” Kurt cut her off, but his voice was quiet and full of emotion as he finally looked at her, his grey eyes were full of an intensity she’d never seen before. “When I’m ready, it’ll be you, Julia.”

He gave her a sad smile and then set off down the hill. Julia waited until he was out of sight and then leaned against the ruin, bringing her hands to her burning cheeks. It was far past time to stop pretending that she wasn’t attracted to him and past time to admit that her heart was his. He’d used her first name and she couldn’t help but notice the double meaning in his last words. 

“Fine, I can wait patiently,” she muttered to herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IDK man, this chapter is tonally all over the place. Thanks for the kudos so far!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all like banter

Kurt was never one for parties. His position required them from time to time, but that didn’t make him detest them any less. Someone had even tried to poison him at one memorable party, only to be foiled by Julia. He also was often propositioned at these events, leaving him scrambling for tactful ways to decline as he had no interest in fulfilling any noble’s guard fetish. Julia was also often handy in that respect, somehow sensing his discomfort from across the room. 

Parties were often more interesting with Julia in attendance and watching her work made them more bearable. This party was one of the duller he’d ever attended. He stood against a balcony railing watching, too tense to relax, holding a glass of some too sweet wine, on guard in case any of the elites decided to try something.

Julia was the center of attention as usual out on the too green lawn, playing a long, slow game of coquette, so unlike the fast-paced fights and diplomatic manipulation they were used to. She’d chosen a dress for this occasion, which wasn’t new, but this time was different, somehow. 

The rich blue of her gown complimented the creamy golden hue of her skin and dark gold of her hair. The thin bands that laced through her short hair were dotted with small precious gems. She wore her birthmark with pride, but the cruel scar around her neck was hidden by a well-placed ribbon. 

When she’d returned from her mysterious absence looking fully grown-up, he’d noticed. Everyone in Serene with eyes and attraction to women had noticed. Her short hair and fine features somehow managed to be equal parts dashingly handsome in a tailcoat and breathtakingly beautiful in a gown. Courtiers of all genders and every birth status were falling over themselves to get to her or to introduce their marriageable children. She’d turned them all down with grace to the point where people wondered if she was even interested in companionship.

She was, Kurt knew about the men and women she entertained privately at night, even if he’d never admit that he knew. She was apparently an extremely respectful and well-paying client. 

He’d dutifully ignored her looks and newfound charm back then. It seemed inappropriate to even think about. However, since arriving on Ter Fradee she seemed more like a peer than a pupil and the breaking of that barrier had given his mind permission to occasionally get carried away when she’d sit close to him at camp or when she’d smile at him across a crowded room. 

Across the lawn, Julia straightened after hitting her latest perfect shot. She caught him looking and smiled, cocking her head with mischief and winking. He ducked his head and turned to look out over the city, trying very hard not to think about her plunging neckline. 

He took a generous swig of wine. Julia was flirtatious with everyone to some degree. He told himself her more cheeky behavior didn’t mean anything. But, there was the way she’d reacted to seeing his scars from the hell that was his training, the softness, and empathy, her more frequent delicate touches. He didn’t want to hope that meant what it seemed to. 

“Kurt, good to see you enjoying yourself.”

Kurt turned, but the voice was distinct enough. “Sieglinde, what are you doing here? This doesn’t seem like your usual haunt.”

She smiled and leaned against the wall next to him. “It’s not, but I thought this would be a good place to talk without any of our fellows overhearing us. I have the information you asked me for.”

She held out a small square of paper which he took. “You’ve found the phantom camp?”

“Yes,” she scanned the area around them casually. “I’m afraid this is bigger than you think. I don’t trust Torsten, he’s up to something. I don’t like my men being shuffled around without my say so.” 

“I know, I intend to put a stop to this. I’m sure the Commander will appreciate us cleaning house across the sea.” 

Siglinde snorted. “You’ve been at court for too long, Kurt. The guard has gone back to the bad old days in your absence.”

“Come on, we don’t know that.”

“But you suspect it, I know you do. You’re smart enough to recognize what happened to Rainer.”

Blood started pounding in his ears, he hadn’t had an episode in a long time. He took steady, even, breaths and ran his hands along the rough stone, naming the things he saw around him, grass, trees, a merchant yelling at a dock worker. It worked, he stayed present, he didn’t go back there. “I can’t believe that, I just can’t.”

Siglinde was looking at him, concerned. He finished the disgusting wine in one gulp. She sighed at him. “Alright, but you need to tell Lady de Sardet why this is all so personal when you take her along. She needs to know.”

“I didn’t say anything about taking her along.”

“You didn’t have to. We both know she’ll do anything you ask. She’s been following you around, making eyes at you since you arrived.”

Kurt frowned. “Making eyes?”

“Have you really not noticed? The young lady has it bad for you.”

He glanced over at Julia who was forcing a laugh at something someone said. “You think so?” He asked, feeling a bit foolish. This was not the kind of conversation he usually had with a superior. 

“I may not seem like it, but I used to have a healthy romantic life. I still do.” Siglinde said with a laugh. “I know a thing or two about these things. Are you interested? A woman like that won’t wait forever.”

“Now is hardly the time.” He felt his neck warming, like he was a teenager again.

“When would be better? The two of you are always in some sort of danger. My advice? Don’t waste time.”

Kurt sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. Maybe it was time to tell Julia something. "I'll take her to the phantom camp. I don't know if I'll be able to control anger if your suspicions are right. She's also much better at the finer side of problem-solving."

"Good. I'll continue to press our source for just what the hell is going on here.” She pushed off the wall and turned back to face him. “And I’m serious, I don’t want you to regret not at least asking her. You don’t need anything else to brood about.”

“Fine, I’ll work on it.” 

She smiled thinly at him and it occurred to Kurt that she did care about him, in her way. It was a bit heartening. Her eyes focused on something behind him. “Lady de Sardet, it’s good to see you.”

“This is a pleasant surprise Major Siglinde, I do hope you’re enjoying yourself,” Julia responded from behind him. How she could sneak up on him wearing that many layers of fabric were beyond him.

“I am. Thank your cousin for the hospitality. Unfortunately, I don’t have time to stay and exchange pleasantries, Your Excellency." 

Julia appeared at Kurt’s side, poised and smiling graciously. A little too graciously. “Of course, I won’t keep you. I wish you a pleasant evening, please know that any friend of Kurt’s is welcome at any time.”

At that, Siglinde gave Kurt a pointed look that clearly said I-told-you-so. “Thank you, that’s very kind. Take care of yourself, Kurt.”

Julia watched Siglinde leave, her mouth pressed into a straight line. She seemed to be thinking, but her face rarely reflected what was going on inside her head. She turned to Kurt and raised an eyebrow. “I don’t see this as the venue for a catch up between old comrades. Is everything alright?”

“Yes, she came to give me an update on that matter you assisted me with a few weeks ago.”

Her eyes widened. “Fantastic! What do you need?”

Kurt felt himself flush. The wine was definitely hitting him, but Siglinde was right, she was eager to help, whatever that meant. “Not here, we can discuss it later.”

“No, I’m done here. I’d really rather assist you. This matter seems far more interesting and important.” She gently tugged his sleeve. “Lend me your arm, escort me inside.” 

“Come now, My Lady. You don’t need to be escorted anywhere.” 

She leaned in close to him and he caught a faint whiff of her perfume. It was something sharp and tangy, like jasmine or exotic fruit. 

“The head of the tailor’s guild’s second son has not been taking hints this afternoon. I am concerned he will follow me in an ill-advised attempt at seduction,” she whispered conspiratorially. “It would be politically inconvenient if I broke his arm, though the temptation is growing.”

Kurt looked over at the young man who was staring back at them with interest. He knew Julia could take care of herself, but the thought of this spoiled brat so much as looking at her triggered his more protective nature. Though he had to admit to himself, the feeling was almost territorial, as if he had any right to feel that way about her. 

He held out his arm. "Alright, but don't overdo it, you don't need rumors of impropriety spreading."

"Oh, I could spin that, don't you worry." She took his arm, pressing close to him, her breast brushing his arm. "You're not as lowly as you seem to think you are."

"You flatter me."

She squeezed his upper arm and smiled at him, a smile that made his heart ache. “I intended to. Does that bother you?”

He looked away. “If you don’t stop teasing me, I will leave you to fend for yourself.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You’ll never stop trying to protect me, I’ve made peace with that.”

They reached the doors to the palace, flanked by two guards he didn’t recognize who Julia said a pleasant hello to. It drove home what he was saying. He’d spent so much time in the field with her when there was another cousin who was technically a higher priority. Then again, every time Julia left him here to go deeper into the island, the fear that she wouldn’t come back gnawed at the back of his mind so badly he couldn’t focus on the other cousin.

“Do I need to remind you I’m ten years your senior? Someday these old bones will give out and you’ll be on your own.”

“Oh stop acting like an old man. You swing that bloody sword, that weighs as much as I do, around like it’s nothing.”

“I’ll stop acting like an old man when my joints stop hurting every time it rains.”

“Well, if you would stop being such an ass about my healing, you’d hurt less.”

“I’m not being an ass, you follow me around the battlefield like a nanny. Vasco is half the fighter I am, focus on him!”

“If I have to hear you two get into another dick measuring contest I will feed myself to a Nadaig.”

Their bickering had brought them to her office door. She fished around in her pocket for her key and he suddenly realized she’d been holding onto his arm the whole time. It was the longest sustained touch he’d received in a long time and he realized he didn’t want it to stop. She let him go, cursing under her breath as she searched her other pocket.

Kurt sighed and produced the spare key. “It’s not like you to forget something, Green Blood.”

“Oh, I forget things all the time. I just always have a backup plan, so no one notices.” She winked at him and unlocked the door.

“I’m the backup plan?” He said, feigning indignation.

She took a seat on the slightly worn couch in front of her desk as he closed the door behind himself. “Maybe. But then again, weren’t you about to ask me to back you up with your clandestine guard business.” 

Kurt sighed and sat next to her, leaving a respectable distance between them on the couch, and pulled out the paper. The wine made the words and diagram on the paper swim as he took in the information. A training camp in the deep wilderness with no official roster. This looked bad, his stomach twisted and he felt his fist clench against his leg.

Julia slid over to him, leaning in so she could read over his shoulder. She made a low humming sound in the back of her throat. “Is something like this common practice? It seems like something I shouldn’t know about.”

“It shouldn’t be and you shouldn’t know. But, I don’t know who else to trust.” He curled the paper in his hand. “Do you have the location memorized?”

She nodded, looking at him curiously. “It’s not far, we can set out in the morning. I think we should bring someone else, Siora maybe?” 

“Yes, Siora…” He trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence. Siora was his friend and he’d comforted her when they’d retrieved her mother’s body. He didn’t fear her judgment and felt safer with her at his back. 

He rose and walked over to her fireplace, pulling his tinder box, giving his hands something to do. Julia didn’t speak but he knew she was watching him. When the kindling caught, he shoved the paper in the fire, using the poker to force it down into the embers. “They won’t like that I brought you, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to control myself when we get inside.”

He heard the rustle of skirts, a pause, and then a hand gently rested on his back. He almost flinched away, not because it wasn’t welcome, but because he always got this way when he thought about  _ that place. _ Julia knelt beside him.

“Kurt, I feel like there’s something more personal to this.” Her voice was so gentle it made him want to weep. “You don’t have to tell me now. I just want to understand.”

He closed his eyes, taking a calming breath. Julia’s hand held him in the moment. He realized what this feeling was. He felt  _ safe  _ here with her. He turned towards her, their faces were very close together, hers starting to flush from what he assumed was the heat of the fire. She was so beautiful and kind and he knew in that moment as her honey eyes looked up into his and her blush lips parted slightly, that Siglinde was right. Julia de Sardet was, in fact, making eyes at him.

Kurt felt his lips pull into a slight smile, almost of their free will. He reached out and gently nudged the ribbon she had tied around her neck up. She didn’t pull away from his touch, in fact, her eyes fluttered and she took a deep breath. 

“Let me keep some of my secrets, for now, My Lady, I’m not the only one who has them.” He glanced down at the jagged, white, scar around her neck. He very much wanted to have a long, painful, talk with whoever did this to her.

“Kurt, I-” Julia started.

“Julia!” The door banged open and Constantin burst in. Kurt yanked his hand away from Julia, a wave of guilt hitting him for a reason he couldn’t quite fathom. Constantin looked between them, his mouth pressing into a thin line. “What are you two doing in here?”

Julia jumped to her feet, as Kurt tried his best not to look at her. “Nothing of importance, Connie. Are you well? Is something wrong?”

Constantin dropped dramatically onto the couch. “Dear Cousin, I have simply the most boring and vexing meeting with the Theleme ambassador tomorrow to settle the issue of road tolls. I’ve been feeling so ill lately. Is there any way I could persuade you to go in my place? You know how to bully people so politely.”

Julia looked over at Kurt. His heart sank. She never said no to Constantin. He’d only seen her angry with him once, that night in the alley in  Sérène . Ever since then, she’d been more accommodating than ever.  _ It’s alright,  _ he mouthed at her.  _ I can wait. _

Her eyes lingered on him for a moment longer, then she sat next to Constantin. “Connie, I have an emergency to attend to. I must leave in the morning and I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. You are the smartest person I’ve ever met, surely you can’t be intimidated by some stuffy black hat. Besides, why is a nation with the blessing of the Lord of Light so dependent on money? That’s our job. Use that against her ass-holiness, it usually works.”

Constantin laughed. “While I do envy you getting to run off into another adventure, it would feel good to finally have a leg up over that morally pompous ambassador.”

“You’ll do wonderfully, Connie. I can’t wait to hear about it when I return,” she said, grasping his hand.

Kurt ducked his head, trying hard not to smile at the way Julia expertly played her younger cousin. She’d chosen to prioritize his needs over her cousin’s. That was… unexpected. It was impossible to deny that she cared about him, even for someone as oblivious as himself. His chest ached. So this is what it felt like to be prioritized. It was as intoxicating as the sweet wine or the softness of Julia’s touch.

Kurt knew then, his heart belonged to his lady. Whether that would bring him pain or joy remained to be seen. 


	6. Chapter 6

The sun rose over the horrible, vile camp. Julia and Siora finished hauling the body of Rolf to the basement with his victims. Siora wrinkled her nose as she stepped over the body and swiftly retreated up the stairs.

"It was good of you to take this task from Kurt," she said. "I hope your cousin lets you burn this place to the ground."

"As do I," Julia said as she locked the basement. 

Siora shook her head. "I've learned so much about Kurt, he is kinder than I expected and more wounded." 

"I know, I sensed that he had past trauma but this is beyond the pale." 

"You  renaigse are so strange, you've known our friend for years and you never spoke of this? I thought you loved him."

Julia had told Siora how she felt about Kurt one quiet evening in the house in New Serene after a few glasses of wine. It was embarrassing, how foolish Siora must think her, pining for a man she barely knew despite them seeing each other daily for her entire adult life. "Our culture is not one that encourages healthy communication period, let alone between employer and mercenary." 

Siora raised an eyebrow. "I think you two are far beyond that. Use that gifted tongue you have to calm our friend, please. I have no understanding of a culture that would do this to their young people."

“I will try. I’ve tried in the past you know, he just shuts me out. I want to help him, I really do.” Julia felt the exhaustion of the evening catching up to her. Kurt would have blamed himself for any unnecessary death. Thankfully, they’d only had to kill the four officers. 

“He will find his heart someday, Julia.” Siora took her hand and pulled gently. “You are beautiful, resourceful, and very loyal. I know you said this camp was trouble for all of us, but I know you did this for him.”

Julia smiled and let her friend drag her back into the cold, quiet, morning. Kurt was standing at the main gate arms folded, looking out at the road. He turned when he saw them and offered a wan smile. 

"It's done," Julia said. "I think we all deserve rest."

"I suppose we could comandeer Rolf's quarters." Kurt rubbed the back of his neck and looked down indicating that quite obviously did not want that. 

"No!" Julia and Siora exclaimed at the same time.

He almost took a step back. "Well, it seems I’ve been outvoted by your Ladyships."

"Let's go back to that ravine camp down the road," Julia said. "It's protected enough we can all rest without keeping watch." 

Kurt nodded and Julia noticed the tension go out of his shoulders the father they got away from the horrifying place. She desperately wanted to reach out and grab his hand, but he was precious about touch, and she didn’t want to overdo it.

He was quiet as Julia and Siora established camp and prepared breakfast. He mumbled offers to help but both women refused. Julia watched him anxiously as he mechanically shoveled food into his mouth, staring at nothing. She could barely eat herself. Every time she tried to relax images of a young Kurt, beaten and bloody, or of an officer taking a whip to him, ran rampant in the theater of her imagination, turning her stomach. 

After breakfast Siora yawned. She walked over to Kurt and took him by the shoulders. "You did good things today. Don't let go of your kindness."

He smiled at her and Julia felt her heart swell a little watching the two of them. She was happy Siora agreed to come. Kurt hadn't taken so well to a person since Julia herself. In return, Kurt stood up for Siora, even to other guards. They fit well together. It felt right to have friends for once, not just pawns or people chasing her title. 

"Thank you, pretty she-wolf, for everything. For your help. I know you don't like to get too tangled in our problems."

"For you, I'll always make an exception." Siora gave him a pat on the cheek. "Go to sleep, you look like death."

"Yes ma'am."

Siora crawled onto her own bedroll and was asleep before Julia finished tidying breakfast. Kurt didn’t immediately take Siora’s advice. She felt Kurt's eyes on her as she packed away the dishes. 

"She's right, you need to rest," Julia said, turning around with her hands on her hips and started. Kurt was sitting by the fire, arms folded over his knees looking up at her from under his heavy brows. The fire glinted in piercing grey eyes and cast shadows into the rough parts of his face. His lips were slightly parted as if he was about to say something.

Julia felt rooted to the spot. If she was observing him as a third party, she would have called the look he was giving her… longing. A shiver went up her spine and she felt heat shoot through her core. This was the same look he’d given her in her office when he’d pulled aside her ribbon in a blatantly flirtatious move. She took a sharp breath and turned back around to slam the trunk shut. 

Damn him and her own trigger happy libido. Now was not the time, nor the place. Kurt was vulnerable right now, maybe for the first time since she'd known him. He needed softness right now. She would try her best. 

She turned back around to find him already laid out on his roll, facing away from her. She retreated to her own and pulled out her journal and wrote, glancing periodically at Kurt, who lay too still to be actually resting. He tended to sleep fitfully, most likely visited by foul dreams of his childhood and well, the rest of his life.

"You're not asleep," she said quietly. "Would you like company?" 

There was a moment and then Kurt sat up. "How did you know?"

She smiled. "You snore."

"Shit. That's not really ideal for the field." 

"Can't sleep?" 

"No, that place it…"

"Brings up bad memories?"

"Yes." 

Julia looked at him and suddenly saw someone very lost and broken. Had that always been there while he was the strongest, sturdiest person in her life? She got up and moved to sit between a crate and his bedroll. "Come here."

His eyes widened and his body tensed. "What?"

"Don't be a prude." Julia gently pulled on his sleeve tugging him towards her. "Aphra told me human touch is good for healing the mind."

She could see pink creeping up from under his collar. "My Lady, it's not-"

"Please, humor me." He looked at her for a long moment and she braced for him to refuse.

"Alright."

Julia leaned against the crate and sat cross-legged, pulling him down till his head rested in her lap. "I used to do this for Constantin when he was younger and couldn't sleep. I was the only one who could calm him down."

"So I'm like your baby cousin who needs to be rocked back to sleep? Fantastic."

"Oh hush." 

She let him adjust. He didn’t pull away, instead, resting his cheek on her left thigh and staring at the gap in the tall rock walls that was the only way in or out. Training died hard it seemed. He folded his arms as if he was afraid his hands would end up somewhere they weren’t supposed to be. However, this position had the added benefit of keeping those impossibly grey eyes off of her, under the influence of which she was afraid she might say something ill advised. 

She looked at the back of his neck that had turned an interesting shade of pink and tried to think of something to say. It was rare that she was at a loss for words, it was her job to manipulate and she’d even used those skills on Kurt a few times. But now, she was backed into a corner. He had borne his heart and pain to her. She didn’t want to use it against him. There was only one way to put them on equal footing again. 

“Kurt, I never told you what happened when I was gone, a few years ago, did I?” 

“You know you didn’t. You’re very picky with personal details.” 

“Pot? Meet kettle.”

He sighed deeply. “You’ve got a point.”

“Well, I’m going to tell you now so listen because I don’t like telling this story.”

“My Lady, you don’t have to-”

“There is a point at the end of this and for once I’m not trying to play a long game.” At least there was no long game beyond that his happiness and maybe if he wanted, asking him to pin her to the mattress. “Alright, so what do you know about what happened?”

“Next to nothing other than you were gone for too long. Constantin was beside himself and acting out more than usual.” 

“Please, never tell him this story. I’m embarrassed to say that I couldn’t handle my reputation being tarnished with him.”

“That’s how I felt about you. Now you know most of the gory details, do you think poorly of me?” 

She laughed. “You know the answer to that. You’re stalling me.”

“Ah, I’m sorry, continue.”

“As you probably guessed, I was sent away not only to finish my education but also to learn the art of information extraction and how to apply pressure with that information.”

“So spying?”

“Well, yes, as it were. Everything went well, the woman who taught me was very formidable but alas, she couldn’t keep me restrained from doing something foolish any nineteen-year-old out on their own for the first time would do.”

“What was that?”

“Sleeping with the absolutely wrong person. I was young, I had little experience in with sex and even less with love and Sebastian knew that. He was very charming, and so when he asked me certain questions and took me to certain events, I went along happily, it was like I was in a trance. No one had ever given me attention like he did and so I was not as shrewd as I should have been, I didn’t notice the signs until it was too late. 

“Sebastian was part of a coup attempt in that court. They used me to get information they needed. I discovered their plan at the 11th hour. I managed to warn the Prince and most of the attendants but Sebastian caught me and I-” she broke off. 

A lump was forming in her throat despite how long it had been. She looked down and realized that at some point during talking, she’d slid her hand through his dark hair as she had with Constantin so many times. She waited but he didn’t acknowledge the touch or editorialize at all.

“I couldn’t stop him. It was what it was and at that time I couldn’t kill him. They took me hostage and dragged me into the forest. When they were free one of the conspirators ordered me disposed of. And Sebastian just…. watched. 

“The results of this were obviously botched. They attempted to strangle me, but I had a good teacher,” she ruffled his hair a bit at this point eliciting a content sigh from him that surprised her. Julia filed that reaction away for later. 

“That scar around your neck?”

“I really tried to hide it from you, wouldn’t want you feeling guilty. You haven’t even seen the one on my back from where they shot me as I ran away.”

“Holy shit, you survived all that?” He attempted to sit up, but Julia pushed him back down.

“I used my magic to keep my body upright and my heart working. I ran a mile and a half like that.”

He let out a low whistle.

“Even with magic I was bed-bound for a few weeks," Julia continued. "When I recovered enough to stand, my mentor gave me the same gun I use as my holdout pistol now and told me if I was going to spend my life fixing problems, I should start with my own."

There was a moment of silence. Julia felt open and vulnerable in a way she hadn't in a long time if ever. She was afraid he'd admonish her for letting herself be put in that situation.

"What did you do?" He asked, gently. 

"I did what I always do, I fixed it. But I realized that while I hated Sebastian, I understood his actions. He wasn’t evil, he was using the tools at his disposal to do his job. He just did the same things to me that made him want revenge on the Prince in the first place to me in the process. It's all a vicious cycle and I refused to be part of it."

"So you let him go?"

Julia closed her eyes. She didn’t like remembering this particular aspect. “No, but I gave him a choice. I could have arranged for a pardon or something less than being drawn and quartered. I offered to help him fix the things that made him so angry. We can’t change a society overnight, but we can work at it.” 

Kurt was quiet for a long time. "I've never seen this  _ Sebastian  _ character so I'm guessing he did not accept your kindness."

"No, so I did him the courtesy of shooting him so he would not be drawn and quartered in front of his town and his family."

When Kurt spoke, there was such shy gentleness in his voice, she blushed. "I'm proud of you, you've developed quite the sense of honor."

"Only because you taught me! Everyone else around me was a rat or a snake."

"I would like to think so, but you heard what I said. I did terrible, terrible things.”

Julia heard the pain there. She wanted to hold him, really hold him, to tell him how she saw him, how when she had returned from that ordeal and he started treating her more as a peer than a charge, it delighted her because she valued his opinion of her over anyone else’s. But she stayed put. She already felt like she'd taken too many liberties with him tonight.

"No, Kurt. I won't call you a victim because you hate that. But, you were the product of something horrible but you  _ chose  _ to rise above all that. You could have been Rolf, but you aren't. You saved all those young people, I've never admired you more."

“I wouldn’t have been able to do any of this without you. I don’t have the grace or skills with politics or words that you do. I’m just lucky you listened and believed me.”

“It has nothing to do with luck. I will alway believe you and help you, I hope you know that by now. You’re important to me, Kurt.” She held her breath, worrying that she’d gone too far and he would pull away or lash out like he usually did. 

She felt him tilt his head back under her hand, looking up at the blue sky of the afternoon. “I’m glad you feel that way, Green Blood and I thank you for everything you’ve done. I am sorry you had to go through what you did alone. I wish I had been there to help you the way you helped me through this.”

Julia smiled, gave his hair a friendly tussle, and was delighted when he closed his eyes as if he enjoyed it. “Shush, you’ve helped me so much since then and even before. I don’t think I could pay you back even if I followed you around for ten years.”

“Your family was paying me for most of those years, you really don’t have to.”

“Oh Kurt, you don’t have to keep using money and contracts to hide the fact that you’ve actually liked me all this time.”

“I guess I’ve never gotten anything past you. You’re annoyingly observant,” he said, his voice sounding lighter than before, but also clouded with exhaustion.

They sat in silence for a moment, Julia absently stroking his hair. She started humming at some point, a song her mother would sing to her, sitting side by side at the pianoforte. Kurt’s breathing grew deeper and eventually, Julia realized that he’d fallen asleep in her lap. She leaned over him and saw, to her joy, that his face looked relaxed and peaceful, for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about all the yearning! This quest fucked me up so much. Kurt has a lot of layers! Thanks to the Spiders writers for giving me a companion I felt had a rich story. 
> 
> P.s. Treason! is next :-)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The coup is here! I agonized over this chapter for two months. I love this part of the game and this is also the chapter where I start going out of order in terms of the romance. My best friend pointed out that my writer's block was stage fright! I really hope my spin on the situation does it justice. Enjoy!

Commander Torsten's arrival hadn't surprised Kurt. He'd been waiting for it since the Ghost Camp ordeal. Torsten, with three of his lieutenants, sat across from him in the secret depths of the Coin Tavern. 

"I'll get right to the point Kurt, are you ready to take the power into our hands? No more chasing nobles around, no more dying on their petty whims." Torsten leaned in. "As governor, you could purge all those who did you wrong. No more secret camps, no more night trainings, everything above board and honorable again."

Kurt tightened his fist under the table. So the old bastard knew about his attack on the phantom camp. He had to admit it was a good move, had to admit it may have swayed him a few months ago. More likely he would have not needed to be swayed, the fear of being thrown out of the only life he'd ever had was so frightening. But now he knew better, about Torsten's leadership and where his own loyalties should lie.

He forced himself to nod and lean in. He'd taught Julia to fight and in turn, she'd taught him to lie. "New Serene would be mine?"

"Of course, Kurt. You've earned it."

"Thank you, Commander, what do you need me to do?"

"You are our closest asset to d'Orsay and de Sardet. They will need to be removed." 

Kurt knew this was coming, but he needed to sell this as genuine. "Is killing them necessary? They could be arrested, His Highness is so sickly already and her Ladyship could be convinced to join us if you let-."

"Thinking with your cock, Kurt?" One of the boot-lickers jeered at him. "Finally land that pretty little Legate?"

Fury rose up in him and it took every ounce of self-discipline he had not to stand up and put the asshole through a table. The disgusting way she referred to Julia stung.

"Behave yourself," Torsten snapped, but he had a faint smile on his face when he turned back. "Getting sentimental Captain? You know we can't leave living figureheads for loyalists to rally around. Besides, the princeling may die on his own but de Sardet… You know better than anyone that she will claw her way out of any cell we put her in. Then she would come for you, Kurt, and you wouldn't have the benefit of surprise."

He smiled internally, calming a bit. Julia had become so formidable that she scared the Commander. He couldn’t help but be proud of his best student. "I know she would, I trained her to be like that." 

"You did your job too well. Will eliminating her be a problem? I heard you two have become close."

He had an inner vision of laying in her lap, her fingers in his hair as she told him about the last man who betrayed her. And now here he was talking about doing the same thing. 

"No, not like that, Sir," he said, glaring at Torsten’s posse. "I would rather it be me. I'll take care of the cousins, don't worry." 

Julia had picked the worst possible month to be gone sorting out whatever the problem with the Black Hats and the Nauts was. He knew Torsten would wait until she and Constantin were together to act. Leaving Julia and her entourage at large was too risky. She was well admired and would be able to rally every faction, including Siora's people. So, Kurt waited and listened to his allies planning the Coup. 

That morning his guards at the palace were so on edge. Constantin was so excited about Julia's return Kurt didn't even have to restrain him for the doctor’s blood draw. 

His men knew that Julia’s return meant the time to act was coming quickly. If this was serious, he would tell them they were acting too jittery, but their nervousness served him well. They would need to be nervous for this to work. 

He'd spent the last few days dropping stories of Julia's skill in battle, getting them ready. He knew at least one of them was supposed to be watching him, Torsten didn’t trust him. Torsten was right not to trust him, and after all, Kurt had never been a very good liar. The essential thing was for the rest of the guards to leave him alone in the throne room for enough time to alert the others. 

Julia arrived in the afternoon and immediately he knew this was going to get complicated. She looked, upset, blatantly so. She never let that show. Vasco was guiding her, hand on her back as she walked up the stairs. 

"What do I even tell him, Vasco? I haven't been able to think," she said. 

"He is your family, he will understand," Siora said from her other side.

Something was very wrong. 

When Julia saw him at the top of the stairs, the dour expression on her face faded for a moment and her round face lit up with joy. His heart ached and all he wanted to do was hold her. He’d missed her much more than he’d realized.

She took the last few steps at a run and made to embrace him. He shook his head and stepped back, aware of the rest of the guards around him. She met his eye, looking confused, and a little hurt, then it was gone behind her mask. “Good to see you, Kurt.”

“Same to you, Your Excellency,” he said and bowed slightly. “Your cousin missed you dearly, he’s being seen by a doctor as we speak.”

Her eyes widened and she brushed past him, obviously concerned for Constantin’s safety. Siora and Vasco followed, Vasco shaking his head, and Siora throwing Kurt a worried look. 

He took up a position at the back of the room, kicking one of his men to stop him from shaking his leg. He watched with dread as Constantin fell apart over the black blood. Kurt felt a pang of grief for his young charge followed by the stress of a second complication. Julia ordered them out and Kurt was left facing the other coin guards.

"It's time to act," he said quietly. "If I tell you to leave us, obey me. Lady de Sadet will kill all of you if given the chance and I won't spend extra effort to keep you alive while engaged with her."

They nodded, looking terrified.

Everything began to move slower. He re-entered and the only sound was his boots on the wood floor. His men liked up behind him, a mixture of anticipation and fear. Constantin called out to him but he only had eyes for Julia. 

She looked at him, at the men behind him, and then back to him. He could see Julia’s keen mind connecting the dots. Her eyes widened in shock. Kurt felt a pang in his chest. She knew what was going on in an instant and she thought he was part of it. 

"Leave us," he ordered. "We have much to discuss.” 

The men behind him scrambled out, one of them audibly snickering. Constantin yelled at him about ordering the guards who should have served only him. 

"Times change, Your Highness," he said shortly. "Or rather they’re about to do so.”

Constantin stood, boldly getting right in Kurt's face. "Is that a threat? What are you trying to-"

In his opinion, Julia was too slow. She pushed Constantin back, getting between them. Her holdout pistol was in his face in an instant. She didn't like them but a gun would be the most efficient way to dispose of him. She looked at him, he had expected her to harden but she hadn't. This close he could see the hand that held the gun shaking, the tremor in her lip, the distress in her eyes. 

"Kurt?" 

The side door opened and his other companions burst through. 

"We heard yelling," Petrus said and froze at the tableau in front of him.

Kurt shook his head and reached out, pushing the muzzle of the gun down. She let him. He realized then that she didn't have it in her to kill him. He didn't know how to feel about that. He tried to soften his face for her, so she'd know. "We have little time and none to waste. The Commander of the guard is in New Serene. Our men plan to assassinate the leaders of each city, yourself and your cabinet included."

"And you? Did you come to kill us?" Julia asked panic in her voice and twisting her lovely face. Kurt vowed silently that he would never be the reason for that distress on her face again.

"No, Green Blood. I've known you two for a long time, too long. I've come to respect you," he looked into her eyes and for a moment there were only the two of them.  _ To love you _ , he said to himself. 

"And I've never reneged on a contract," he said quickly to cover those words from slipping out of his mouth. "These orders go against everything I am, a cold-blooded mercenary, yes, a traitor, no. I came to warn you and you have been. You have to take action,  _ now."  _

He said the last words directly to Julia. She blinked and seemed to steady herself a bit. Constantin came to her side, snaking an arm around her waist, studying her. "Thank you Kurt, I always knew you were a good man." 

Julia looked over at the others and nodded. "Constantin, we need to get you to safety as well as the members of your cabinet."

Petrus stepped in. "And we need to warn the leaders of the other cities of the coup." 

"I've devised a plan to evacuate Constantin and the cabinet, they will be safe in the cellars. After that, the commanders and the lieutenants will need to be dealt with, the rank and file will fall in line," Kurt said.

"Good plan, Kurt. Thank you." Julia wouldn't look at him directly.

She turned to the others. "Vasco, Aphra, escort Petrus to find runners to the other cities. Warn the Nauts as well. Be discrete. Siora, I'm sorry to involve you in our affairs but I need your help getting everyone to safety."

Siora nodded. " I do not mind helping you and Kurt. I shudder to think of what the Coin Guard would do to my people given the chance."

"What about me?" Constantin asked.

Julia put her arm around him. "You're going to safety, you can barely stand. We will protect you."

He nodded. "Alright, I understand, but we must rescue my advisors as well." 

Kurt cleared this throat. "We have no time to waste, My Lady."

"Right, let's go. We'll take the servants’ stairs." 

Julia still seemed too unsteady to Kurt. They couldn’t afford any mistakes because she was distracted. He instructed Siora to wait with Constantin in the back room of his chambers despite her "don't leave me alone with him," look. 

He and Julia crept through the third floor to the Old Goat's chambers. She stared down at the padlock trapping her professor inside. 

"You told the guards to lock him in so he couldn't move around, smart. I don't suppose you have the key." She sounded distant.

He shook his head and she sighed and pulled out her picks to get to work. He watched her and realized, after a few seconds, that her hands were shaking too badly to manage it. His chest ached again and he knelt beside her.

"Julia?" He probed gently. 

The pick snapped and fell from her hands. "Shit. What, Kurt? I'm trying to fucking focus."

He'd never, in all the years they’d spent together, seen her this upset. "Julia, please look at me." 

She turned to face him and he saw tear tracks running down her flushed cheeks. He felt himself moving more than making an active decision to move. He held her face in his hands as gently as he'd imagined when he couldn't sleep and thoughts of her came unbidden. He used his thumb to wipe a tear away and she squeezed her eyes shut leaning into him rather than brushing him off.

"So much is going on right now. I'm trying," she whispered.

"I know you are, you're strong."

"I'm tired of being strong." 

That broke Kurt a little and he realized he would give anything to take her pain away. He wished he could lock her in the basement with Constantin so she'd be safe. But she would never let him and unfortunately, he needed her. 

"I'm here, I'll protect you."

"I thought you were going to…" she trailed off and a sob escaped her. 

He swore and pulled her to him, awkwardly. He'd intended to hold her but their faces were so close and she looked at him with wide, tear filled eyes.

Julia leaned in and suddenly her lips were on his and she was kissing him, her hands tangled in his shirt. Kurt was lost in the softness of her lips, as he kissed her back, fiercely, blood pounding in his ears, trying to silence the part of him that was screaming that time was of the essence.

The kiss lasted only a moment and then Julia leaned back, looking down. "Sorry, I just-"

"It's alright," he said quickly, tucking her hair behind her ear. 

"Kurt I couldn't fight you. I know I did with Sebastian, but I couldn't with you, I just couldn't."

He tilted her chin upwards and kissed her softly. "I chose you, Julia. You. Do you understand?"

"I do, now," she said weakly, smiling at him, her lips swollen and her face flushed. "Now's not the time. When did I get so dramatic?"

He released her and stood, feeling the whiplash of the passion of the kiss, the pain in her tears, and the tension of the situation. Whatever else happened, he knew he'd made the right choice, honorable or not. He knew he would fight harder with the ghost of Julia's kiss on his lips.

It was a long night even by his standards. In the end, Torsten was in jail and all of his companions had survived. They’d lost the lieutenants, but without Torsten, it was a matter of time before they were smoked out. The stress of the evening had obviously accelerated Constantin's condition. Kurt helped him to his chambers as he had so many other nights. Constantin had been drunk then, not ill, and he found himself wistful for those days. 

When Constantin was squared away, he returned to find Julia sitting halfway down the main stairs, head between her knees. He sighed what a sight his two charges were now. 

Their kiss felt like it was years ago, but it made his heart race. It was pathetic to be so starved for love that a kiss in the heat of the moment and the high emotions of the night made him shiver, but that's who he was.

"Are you alright, My Lady?" 

Julia looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. "Yes, I just need to rest here for a moment." 

"Did your legs give out?" 

She looked down. "I'm embarrassed to say, yes." 

"It's shock. I think you've been through enough today. It happens." He moved a few steps below her. "Come on, I'll carry you to the house."

"I couldn't, you're tired too." 

He was, but not tired enough to leave her there on the floor. "I've been sitting on my ass for a month waiting for you to get back so we could stop the coup. I'm alright." 

With some maneuvering, she managed to climb on his back. She was lighter than she acted, all lean and wiry compared to his bulk. He gripped her thighs, careful not to take liberties. Julia wasn't shy or careful. She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her cheek against his. He let himself secretly thank whoever was listening that he'd left his helmet upstairs and could feel her skin on his. 

He carefully negotiated the palace stairs as the birds started to wake in the trees. He could feel Julia's steady breathing on his neck. He could feel himself flushing from her proximity more than any grown, battle hardened, man had the right to. 

"You said something that bothered me earlier," she said softly.

"Whatever it is, I'm sorry, My Lady." How much could he hurt her today? He could be so foolish with his words. 

"That's not what I meant. You called yourself cold-hearted today. You’re not.”

He sighed, she was going to be the death of him. “Stop that. I’m still a mercenary, Green Blood.”

“You can be a mercenary and still care. I feel like honor and love are two sides of the same coin, or coin guard as it were.” She giggled then paused and it felt like she held him tighter. “Am I making sense? I’m too tired to think straight.”

He tried to keep his breathing regular when the word  _ love  _ left her mouth. Was he ready for that, with her? He didn't know. They’d reached the house by then. “Let’s get you to bed.”

She only answered him with a yawn. He carried her up the stairs and into her room. 

“Thank you, Kurt, for everything," she murmured.

“Don’t mention it,” he said gruffly and let her go. 

Instead of letting go completely, she turned him to face her, her arms around his neck, her hazel eyes boring into his and her face unreadable. "I kissed you."

He felt himself blush and suddenly he didn't know what to do with his hands or where to look. "You did."

"And you kissed me back?"

Kurt sighed and decided to give up and put his hands on her hips where they seemed too at home. "I did."

"Do you want to talk about that or…?"

It was too much, so much had happened that day, they both needed rest, and a bath, and food before this talk. She didn't know what she was getting into. Kurt pushed her lightly, guiding her to sit on the bed and stood. "It's late and you're tired. You're not in the right headspace for this."

Her bow shaped lips turned down and she looked at him, hurt, from under her lashes. "You're right and I hate that."

Kurt watched her fumble with her boots and blood-stained blouse. He finally leaned down and helped her pull it off. He deposited it neatly on the desk. By the time he’d gotten her things in order she was laying sprawled on the bed with her eyes closed. She was so beautiful, even bruised, messy, and exhausted. She was beautiful and smart and powerful. And she clearly cared deeply about him in some way, there was no doubt now. 

It almost wasn’t fair. 

“Before everything today, I learned something important that I need to tell you,” she said, her voice slurred from exhaustion. 

“You can tell me in the morning.”

He reached over and turned down the oil lamp. In the quiet her breathing started to slow. He moved towards the door, trying to be quiet. 

“Kurt.” He froze her eyes and were still closed. “You can rest here if you want…”

His pulse raced and his hand tightened on the doorknob. He wanted to, he really did. She clearly didn’t mean sex at this minute. It would be so nice just to lay there next to her on the day where he had finally settled where his loyalties were, the day he felt like he’d actually changed things for the better. Having her as a physical anchor now that he'd betrayed a lot of people who were the closest thing he had to family till now. 

But he’d rather hear that from her when she was fully conscious and not coming off of what most likely was one of the hardest days of her life. He couldn’t handle it if she woke up and realized she made a mistake. He stood for a moment longer, but she said nothing else. 

“Some other time, my sweet excellency,” he muttered to her and retreated. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thank you so much for reading! Special thanks to all of you who left comments, they really made my day! Everyone stay safe and drink some water!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. This chapter ended up getting a bit dark and violent, but it has a very fluffy ending. I've updated the tags accordingly.

Constantin’s breathing deepened and his posture relaxed in his huge, soft, bed that was slowly eating his fragile frame. Julia rose from her chair and leaned over him. He was asleep, finally. She’d been doing everything in her power to ease his pain as she was fairly gifted with healing magic. But, her magic was for mending wounds and easing pain, not the Malichor. Tonight she’d only been able to sit with him and dull his senses.

Julia pressed a kiss to his forehead with motherly affection. Even though he was only five years her junior, she’d often filled that role. She took one last look at him and fled the stifling room. Her skin felt too tight and her chest ached with panic she wasn’t letting herself process. The place was empty and quiet and dead. 

The residence lounge was empty save for Mr. de Courcillon, who was reading by firelight. He looked up when she came in and smiled weakly. “Hello Julia, how are you holding up?”

“Oh, I’m alright,” she lied.

De Courcillon looked like he didn’t believe her, but he didn’t press. He closed his book and leaned forward. “May I ask you something, candidly?”

She wanted to tell him to take his book and concern and shove it somewhere quite inappropriate, but she smiled politely. “Go ahead, my old teacher.”

“Did something happen during that business with the Coin Guard to drive you and Kurt apart? Seeing you two together has become so common its absence this past week was noticeable.”

Julia’s smile froze. She wanted to take the priceless porcelain vase from the sideboard and smash it on the floor. “He’s busy with damage control at the moment. The Coin Guard needs him more than I do, that’s all.”

“Oh, wonderful. I was pleased to see you becoming friends.”

“Yes, we are quite good friends,” Julia said, trying not to sound strained. “If you’ll excuse me?”

“Of, course. Goodnight, Julia.”

Julia made it to the hallway before the hot, angry, tears threatened to spill out of her eyes. She slid between two bookcases and closed her eyes, breathing deeply. It would be a problem if someone saw her crying in the palace. 

De Courcillon bringing up Kurt had threatened to burst the dam she’d built to keep her pain from interfering. They hadn’t spoken since that coup, which she could barely remember. She knew she’d kissed him at some point during the violence, like an idiot, and that he’d put her to bed. And now, he was avoiding her.

Everything was fucked. It was time to go out again, out into the world to search for a cure. But, that would leave the possibility that Constantin would be dead before she returned. As much as he grated on her sometimes, he was her family. The only family who hadn’t lied to her since she was old enough to be lied to. Even if they weren’t blood-related, he was her brother and her responsibility. She would not lose him.

Julia clenched her fists, this wasn’t helping, she couldn’t be calm. There was no one she could go to right now, like this, not when she was the tent pole keeping this whole damn island from collapsing. She had to work some of this tension off, put her hands to work and let her brain turn off.

That thought led her to the basement of the Coin Tavern. She’d initially come to hire someone for sex, but she knew she wouldn’t feel good about it, not with how hung up she was on Kurt. 

Thankfully, there was another distraction.

Julia neatly folded her coat, stripping down to her shirt sleeves, not caring who saw her scar. She dropped into the ring and tucked her hair behind her ears. Unarmed fighting wasn’t her strength, but she didn’t care, she wanted this to hurt. Her opponent was a big man, broad and a full head taller than her.

He laughed when Julia rolled up her sleeves. “You’re just a slip of a girl. This isn’t a place for you.”

“Well, then this should be an easy win for you,” Julia said and smiled. 

A few minutes and a well-placed boot to the knee later, the man was on the ground, yielding. He’d barely winded her. The crowd started to warm up to her, she bowed with a flourish. Some people were going to make a good amount of money here tonight. 

She gulped down some water and went to face her next opponent, a more pleasant looking guardswoman. They were built similarly and were around the same age. 

“Fancy footwork, clever girl,” the fighter said as they circled each other.

“I had a good teacher.” 

The thought of Kurt brought back the gaping wound in her chest, a source of anger and hurt that when unleashed, brought her opponent to her knees. 

This woman managed to land a few good hits to Julia’s stomach that were starting to hurt, replacing the emotional wound. The third fighter opened with a backhanded slap to the face that sent her stumbling. This one lasted longer but fell to a less-than-honorable knee to the head. 

The crowd was really loving her now. When she reached for water, she was handed a bottle of liquor instead. She drank it anyway, gulping too much. Somewhere, in the back of her head, she knew she was spiraling and losing the control she had over the situation. Julia couldn’t bring herself to care, lost in the catharsis. 

The next fight was rough, she was flagging and burning out, fighting with the hot passion of her feelings didn’t give her much stamina. A punch caught her cheek and she stumbled feeling the copper taste of blood fill her mouth. She spat blood on the floor and rallied, winning again. 

Julia was dizzy at this point, she leaned back against the wall and wiped sweat and blood from her face onto a dirty cloth someone got from somewhere. She washed her mouth out with the stinging alcohol, hoping it would prevent some infection.

The MC leaned down. “You’re very popular, My Lady. What would you say to fighting our current reigning one on one champion?”

“Fuck it, I’ll do it,” Julia slurred. 

“Excellent,” he said with a smile that made Julia suddenly nervous. 

She stretched, feeling her muscles and bruises start to ache. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. She reached for her magic. It was technically against the rules but she gave herself just a hint of healing and pain relief, disguising it as a stretch.

Right away, she knew she was in trouble. The woman was muscular and covered in scars. She was wearing a guard’s badge hanging off her belt. This guard moved with the same intentionality and precision as Kurt, the only one who could consistently beat her at single combat. But her expression was devoid of life and emotion. Her eyes were cold.

The woman regarded her. “You’re different. Trained by one of ours I recon and clever on top of that. Your kind are wasted in the nobility.”

Julia swallowed, she was exhausted, slightly intoxicated, and emotionally compromised. This woman had been watching her fight. She took a step back, putting herself out of the woman’s reach. Her only chance was to be faster than the champion and aim for a joint or another weak point. 

The woman calmly closed to grapple, Julia rolled out of the way and back up onto her feet. The woman didn’t look too disappointed, keeping that calm, cold expression on her face. This game continued for several minutes of a tense, silent, cat and mouse game. Julia made two attempts at sweeping her legs and was rewarded with a knee to the nose and a shin kick. 

Her nose was bleeding and her vision was starting to blur somewhat. Too late, she realized that this is what the woman wanted. She was simply trying to wear Julia out until it was over. She scrambled backward as the woman closed, faster than she should have been able to, catching Julia about the ears.

Julia’s ears rang and her tired body, now off balance, gave out. She collapsed, raising a hand to yield. Struggling to sit, she could see the woman leaning over her curiously. “How much would your noble mummy and daddy miss you if you died in the ring?”

“Don’t you dare,” Julia spat, though if this woman wanted her dead, there was little she could do. Her brain was too foggy to summon magic and she was completely spent. 

The champion lifted her to standing and there was a moment where Julia thought she would help her out of here. Then the woman’s big hands wrapped around her neck and she was slammed against the stone wall, her feet off of the floor.

Suddenly, Julia was back in the dark woods in her nineteen-year-old body. Her vision was closing and she struggled to breathe, knowing she was about to die. The panic set in and she couldn’t think, couldn’t feel anything.

Then, there was a shout. “Julia!”

The hands around her neck loosened a bit. It was just enough for a spark to ignite in her brain. The spell tumbled out of bloody lips and her hands weakly approximated the proper flow. The champion was pushed away from her in a flash of light and the smell of ozone. It was a pathetically small spark, only enough to get someone to let go, but it was enough.

Julia collapsed to the floor, gasping and coughing. She looked up, ready to fight the champion again. But the champion wasn’t winding up for another attack. As she watched, Kurt punched her square in the jaw. She fell and he was on her, not stopping.

“Kurt,” Julia croaked. He didn’t seem to hear her. Julia summoned all of her strength and stood, stumbling forward. “Kurt!”

He turned to look at her, his grey eyes meeting hers for the first time in what felt like years, but had only been days. “Julia!”

“Don’t kill her,” Julia begged. She didn’t have the words in her to tell him why. There were too many dead guards on both of their hands as it was. She’d just have to trust him to listen.

There was a moment where his jaw tensed, then he nodded and stood up. The champion tried to stand as well, now about as bloodied as Julia felt. Kurt kicked her in the ribs and she deflated. He leaned over her. “You live this time. Never touch her again.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Kurt smoothed his doublet and looked at the crowd who’d gone silent. “We’re done for tonight. Get out, all of you.”

They listened to him with only mild protestation. Julia sighed in relief, the little burst of adrenaline she had from her near-death experience faded and she felt herself growing unsteady.

Strong arms caught and steadied her. “Julia? Are you going to pass out?”

“Will you keep holding me if I say I’m going to?” Julia murmured, resting her head on his shoulder. It was an idiotic thing to say, she hoped he’d realize it was the fatigue. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

Kurt sighed heavily, she felt it in his broad, warm, chest. “Can you walk?”

“Yes, with help.”

Kurt gently guided her arm around his neck and wrapped an arm around her waist so softly it was as if he was afraid of breaking her. Julia leaned on him and focused on putting one foot in front of the other, not on the chaos of emotions within her.

She was ashamed, on the verge of tears, love-sick, and angry. At least the internal conflict was taking the edge off of the pain. 

Kurt didn’t take her out into the street, he continued through the lower common area and into the brothel. She thought about asking, but talking was a little complicated at the moment, so she trusted him to take care of her like he always did.

Two of the workers rushed over to them, a man and a woman. The man had a boyish handsomeness about him, with a round face and dark skin. He took out a handkerchief and held it to Julia’s nose, tutting gently. “Kurt, isn’t your job to stop this from happening?”

“Don’t blame him, he couldn’t have stopped me if he tried,” Julia said, trying to smile through the swelling.

“You could have at least asked me to be your second,” Kurt muttered.

Julia shook him off, not ready to stand on her own, but kept upright by anger and pig-headedness. “Yeah? You weren’t around to ask.”

Their eyes met for a moment but Kurt looked away. “This is Andre and Janey, they’ll take care of you and can be trusted to be discreet.”

“Because I need you to manage my reputation.” Julia knew she was being an ass, but she couldn’t help it, she was too hurt.

Kurt turned away. “I’ll go get you something to eat. If you two would be kind enough to help her clean up, I would compensate you for your time and be in your debt.”

Janey touched his back and smiled. She had kind eyes, dark hair, and generous curves. Kurt seemed to be comfortable with her touch which meant Julia trusted her immediately. “We’ll take good care of your Lady.”

Julia pursed her lips,  _ his  _ Lady?

Kurt left the room. Without him in eyesight, all the fight went out of Julia. She slumped, another wave of dizziness hitting her. 

“Woah there.” Andre caught her. He was very strong but extremely gentle. “Let’s get you in the bath.”

“Thank you,” she muttered, not strong enough to protest. “My apologies for interrupting your evenings.”

Janey smiled as she led them to a back room. “You’re very sweet. Kurt said you were good.”

“He talks about me?”

“Of course,” Andre said brightly. “With the same reverence as a poet speaking of the moon. With less grace, of course, he’s hardly literate.”

“Hush, Andre, be nice.” Janey was filling the tub with steaming water, mixing in something good smelling. “This bath should fix you right up Lady de Sardet.”

“Julia is alright in here. I hardly feel like a Lady, currently,” she said with a grimace as Andre helped her undress. There was no sense in being prudish around people who made their living dealing with nudity. 

Andre grimaced when she took off her shirt, revealing a line of dark bruises along her ribs. “You took a beating. Still, you walked out of the ring, which is a win. The current champion likes to capitalize on the fact that no one cares too much what happens down here.”

There was a pause in conversation as Andre and Janey helped her into the tub. The water stung the cuts and scrapes all over her body, but she didn’t cry out, she wouldn’t. She sank into the water, it felt so good she almost cried. 

Janey reached out with a cloth and began to rinse and wipe the blood from her face. It reminded Julia of the way her mother, or rather, the woman who raised her, used to bathe her as a child. It was rare for a woman of high birth to take a servant’s duty. But the Princess did it anyway. Julia didn’t know how to feel about that yet. 

“How do you two know Kurt?” Julia asked, trying to distract from those complex feelings.

“He hasn’t used our services, he’s been loyal to you, little Lady,” Andre said from the corner.

Julia felt herself flush even deeper than she had with the heat of the bath. “We’re not… I mean…”

Janey squeezed her shoulder. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell us.”

“But if you want to, we’re all ears.” Andre’s smile was impish.

“Behave yourself, Andre.” Janey chided him, but she was also smiling some secretive smile. “Brace yourself, Julia dear, I’m going to get all that blood out of your hair.”

Julia closed her eyes as Janey dumped water over her head and got to work scrubbing her scalp.

“Kurt came to us after you first arrived, to make sure we were protected and being treated well,” Janey said as she worked. “He’s dealt with unruly clients and made sure we were getting our pay. He also just seems to enjoy our company, he spends a lot of time here and walks us home in the morning. I get the sense he just feels more comfortable down here.”

Julia bit her lip and drew her knees to her chest. She thought about what Kurt had told her one quiet evening between missions. The woman, Maria, who’d cared for him as a little boy, was a prostitute. It made sense, but it hurt that he hadn’t shared this part of his life with her.

She felt very small and very vulnerable in this room, in awe of the kindness these strangers had shown her, of the kindness Kurt had shown them. She looked up at Janey who’d finished her assault on Julia’s head and was drying her hands. Janey and Andre weren’t snakes intent on weaseling her secrets out of her. And they knew Kurt.

“I love him,” she said. It was the first time she’d said it so plainly. Even with Siora, she’d couched it in less bold terms. “I love him so much it hurts and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Every time I try, he pulls away.”

Janey and Andre exchanged a look. Andre rose from his seat. “I’ll go see what’s taking that clueless bastard so long.”

“Please, don’t,” Julia said, already feeling sick from embarrassment. Andre left anyway.

Janey laid a comforting hand on Julia’s shoulder. “Let it go. We could both see how much Kurt’s grown to love you over these months. Anyone with half a brain could. We were a bit worried it was unreciprocated, but clearly, it’s not.”

Julia buried her face in her hands. “I’ve never been like this. I’ve never really had the chance to ever be in a relationship with someone, I don’t know how this part works.”

“I don’t think he knows either if that helps.” She hesitated for a moment and frowned. “His story isn’t mine to tell, but he’s not experienced a lot of love or kindness in his life. You’ll have to understand that if you want to be with him.”

“I do.”

“But, he’ll have to be there for you too, not just to swing that sword in your defense either.”

Julia smiled to herself despite everything. “I’d like that.”

Janey caught her chin and looked at her face, touching her tender cheek and nose. “Your face is still a bit of a mess. Don’t worry, I don’t think Kurt minds.”

Julia closed her eyes and breathed deeply, she was now clear of mind enough to tap her magic. She muttered to herself and touched her wounds and bruises. Healing was strange, it was sharp and sore and exhausting. When her bruises had faded to yellow and her cuts were faded she stood. 

Janey laughed and handed her some soft breaches and a flowing shirt. “That’s a nice trick, but I’d rather not clean you up like this again.”

“I’m not planning on making this a habit. Thank you so much for your kindness.”

“You can repay us by taking care of our Kurt.” 

“Yes, ma’am,” Julia said, bowing with as much dignity as she could while naked.

When Julia finished dressing, Janey led her to a little room that was plush and perfumed to the point of absurdity. Kurt sat at the table, stripped down to his undershirt with a plate of food and a bottle of wine in front of him. Andre sat next to him but stood when the women entered. 

He pulled out the chair with a flourish. “Have a seat, Julie.”

Kurt’s eyes narrowed when he called her “Julie” but remained fixed on the table in front of him. 

Julia took a seat. “Thank you for everything, Andre.”

“No problem, come back anytime,” he winked and pulled Janey out of the room behind him.

Then Julia and Kurt were alone for the first time since everything changed. She felt nervous, embarrassed even. It wasn’t a common state of mind for her, especially around Kurt. There was a moment of awkward silence. Julia couldn’t bear it.

“Thank you, for saving my life, Kurt.”

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He looked very tired, the lines on his face were deepened by the low light in the room. “This isn’t you, Julia. You’re smart, smarter than this. What happened?”

Anger flared in her again, it was so quick to come to her these days. She curled her fingers on her knees, trying to remember what she’d talked about with Janey. “Am I not allowed to fuck up on occasion? I’m hurting, Kurt.”

He looked her in the eye for the first time since she’d entered the room. “I know, I’ve been there, where the only outlet for your pain is violence when you don’t care if you live or die. Unfortunately, you don’t have the luxury of dying anonymously in a ditch. You’ve made yourself essential to the continued peace of this island. You’ve got lives depending on you.”

“I know, It’s exhausting.” She shook her head. “Thank you for not yelling at me.”

“I think you’ve punished yourself quite enough.” He paused and then reached out, laying his hand on the table, palm up. “Would you give me your hand?”

Julia did. He grabbed her fingers lightly and ran his thumb over her knuckles. “I need to apologize to you. I am a coward and a fool, and I should have been there when you needed me.”

“I need you to be honest with me,” Julia started, she wasn’t ready to tell him it was alright. “I want to be with you, romantically, physically, emotionally, in any or all of the ways possible. But you said we’d talk about us in the morning and you didn’t come back. I can’t go through that again, I’m too vulnerable right now.”

“And you won’t. I’m so sorry Julia.” He looked away and squeezed her hand. “I’ll admit, I’m afraid of this, of you. Afraid that I’ll mess up or hurt you. There are things I can’t give you right now that I know you want. I was paralyzed by the thought of disappointing you or of you using me and tossing me aside. That wasn’t a reason to leave you alone with all this and I’m sorry.”

Relief spread through her. It was silly to think the affection of one man would shield her from all this pain and complication. It might help her feel less isolated and lonely. “Kurt, I would never toss you aside. I want to make this work, just tell me what you need.”

He smiled at her and his eyes were so soft. She’d never seen him like this and it warmed her from the heart outward. 

“Julia, you are so kind, I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

“Can you hold me?”

“Yes, I would like that.”

Julia moved to him, doing mental calculations to make sure the chair would hold both of them. She slid onto his legs, wrapping her arms around his neck. He hesitantly placed a hand on her knee and wrapped his other arm around her waist. Their faces were so close together she could see all the little scars and imperfections that made him perfect to her. 

She smiled and leaned in, hoping for a kiss. He obliged her. It was a chaste kiss, but that was alright, these weren’t the most erotic of circumstance, their accommodations aside. She pulled away and nestled her head into his neck, sighing contentedly.

“I’m not ready to take you to bed, Julia.” He said quietly. “It’s hard for me, that kind of intimacy. Someone used it as a way to hurt and humiliate me a long time ago. It still has a hold over me, in some ways. I hope you don’t think less of me for it.”

Julia’s heart ached. It wasn’t enough for him to bear the scars of violence and punishment, someone had taken that power from him as well. “Oh, Kurt. I don’t. It’s alright, consider me content with this until you’re ready.”

“Thank you.” 

He leaned his head on top of hers and seemed to relax. His body was warm and broad. Julia let herself drink in this moment, the feeling of his stubble against her cheek, the beating of his heart, the feeling of his strong arms holding her close. It was one of the only times in recent memory where she felt content and relaxed.

“Julie, you should eat,” Kurt murmured after a while.

She raised her head. “Julie?”

The tips of his ears went pink. “I liked it when Andre said it. Forgive me, but I like the sound of it from me better than from him.”

Julia liked that, he sounded almost… possessive, in a very good way. She smiled at him with a hint of suggestion. “I’d have to agree. You and only you may call me Julie when we’re alone.”

Kurt made a low noise of pleasure somewhere in his chest. “Oh, I think we’ll work out just fine.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adults talking through their feelings and establishing boundaries in *my* fic? More likely than you'd think. Julia is really feeling the weight of her responsibilities. I always thought de Sardet should get more opportunities to go ape shit. So much happens to them in this game! 
> 
> I didn't intend to go 21k words without sex, but we're getting there! Jane Austen eat your heart out. I thought a more sensitive exploration of Kurt's trauma was appropriate. 
> 
> Thanks for reading as always, take this opportunity as an excuse to treat yourself to your favorite snack or a nice walk or something!


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